Have you asked yourself WHAT you searching for? Information, you say? What information? Medical? Social? Fair enough, we need this information, but is there another way to get it? No, probably not. I understand, you are tired of waiting. There is no way to guarantee that your birth parents will register with the Adoption Disclosure Registry, if it exists in your area. When was the last time you saw an ad announcing the existence of such a registry? You hope that if they know of it, they will register, but the chances are that they have never heard of it -- so you have no option but to search.

Have you obtained your non-identifiable information? Are you sure want TO know more?

Do you merely wanting the physical satisfaction of seeing someone who holds a resemblance to you? Well, why not? This is a valid desire. You have spent a lifetime with friends and families who constantly display "family resemblances", and every time it's mentioned, a worm of jealousy digs a little deeper into your heart. But don't let that be the only reason for your search -- there are a lot of strings attached. Is seeing yourself mirrored in another human being worth the risk? Maybe you won't like them. Maybe they will tell you to take a hike.

Were you adopted as a young child? Do you have a dimly remembered brother or sister from another life? Do you remember a crowded tenement, or simply playing hopscotch with a faceless somebody that was your older sister?

What are your emotions: anger, sadness, frustration? How will these emotions translate into the interpersonal relations should you actually meet your birth family? Do you have a sense of rejection because you are an adoptee? Are you going to take it out in accusations. No, of course you won't. A long time has passed, but it is worth considering. You are going to have to cope with these emotions.

Have you lain awake and asked yourself what will happen if and when you find them? Have you honestly asked yourself if you could accept rejection, if it came? Think about it. There were good reasons why you were placed for adoption. I know, I know, it was a long time ago and times have changed. That is what I have been saying all along, but the possibility remains. Don't get into this if you aren't prepared for any eventuality. Of course, you may be as lucky as I was, but you don't know right now. If you aren't prepared to think ahead, then you are being unrealistic.

What will happen if they do think you are the most wonderful thing since ketchup? Can you accept becoming part of a family?

What about responsibilities that may come with that acceptance? Can you cope with whatever situation you may find? Are you willing to keep up with the little commitments that come with being in a family -- birthday cards, letters, visits? Will you hold up your end of a relationship when your old life settles back to normal? What about illness or death in this new family? I know I am sounding like your maiden aunt, and the doomsayers that you have talked to. But they may have a point -- it can happen. You can cope with all that? Fine. More power to you. Let's be realistic, every family has it's griefs and it's problems, and if you join a family, it can not be superficial relationship. Family implies commitment. It is worth remembering that you are laying this on them, too, if they choose to bring you into the family. They may be a strength to you. Is it fair to them? True, they can always say no...so we are back to square one.

What kind of a meeting do you want? Can you cope with the fact that their wishes and expectations may not be the same as yours? How will the existence of a "new " family affect your present relationships? How will your present family, spouse, children, cope with the new you, and your new family? You can never know until it happens, but have you discussed it with them? Have you dug down through the dreams and the hopes and delved into the points of reality with your husband/wife or significant other? He or she will be involved too. So will your children. You say that they love you and are supporting your search -- then you probably will have supportive loved ones when you come to the end.

From time to time the awkward question as to whether you should even be searching will creep into your mind. It is hard to deal with the doubters, with the negative societal pressure which is still out there, in thankfully ever decreasing doses. You have probably have met other adoptees who think you are out of your mind and you may begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you. Hang in, and remember each of us is an individual; we react to the curves that life throws us in different ways. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know our past; that has been concluded over and over by wiser minds than ours. If something in your history tells you you must search, then go ahead. As Polonious observed in, " To thy own self be true and it must follow as the night the day thou cans't not then be false to any man." If we go into our search honestly and openly and trustingly, then we will likely meet those from our past with honesty, openness and trust.

Don't let your non-searching friends put you off. Searching is not for everyone. But for those of us who are driven by the need, it can not be denied. The suggestion, that "good" adoptees do not search and "bad" adoptees is an anathema. Upon what criteria of evil behaviour are we being judged? If the judge is questioning our loyalty to our adoptive family, he does not understand the depth of family love nor the depth of our need to know our true heritage. It is a gross oversimplification to think that all we need to know are names. It is the foundation of our being which we need to know.

We must never be forget that many lives are bound up in ours and that no family nor love put at risk is worth our self-knowledge, despite our desire for "rights" and "fairness". We must tread softly, tread with compassion and understanding through the lives of those who nurtured us. We must approach cautiously the lives of those who gave us life. These first parents have made new lives for themselves, either individually or together and we have no inherent right to upset the balance. You will run into some hotheads who will argue this point, and yes, I have my moments too, but the bottom line is that we must seriously consider the implications for these other unknowns. We must not be purely selfish. Family security is precious and must not be tampered with.

Accept the fact that it is very hard for our non adopted friends to understand our discomfort. My husband thought it strange that I would search for another family when I had a perfectly good one already. Realize that those who feel uneasy about the whole process of adoption tend to transfer this uneasiness to us, as individuals; we are different in their eyes. They can't enter into our souls, any more than we can enter into theirs. Accept this, and carry on with understanding, grateful for any empathy you can get. You probably have found by now that more people are supportive than are not. Thankfully, the feelings of prejudice towards illegitimacy (and let us be honest, most people assume that we were adopted because we were illegitimate, and many of us were!) are becoming less with the changing of mores, but it is still there for many people. It is only by our calmness, our determination and our fidelity to the concept of the importance of family - all families -- that the public will learn about the necessity of all people knowing their roots.

There are so few guidelines on how to go about a search. You have probably read books galore -- if you haven't start now. Every bit of knowledge will help your understanding of our situation. Read -- gather hints and ideas from every source you can. There are a few handbooks, but each search is so different, so personal, that it is necessary to learn as you go along. Do not expect to find the definitive tome which will answer all your questions. If I have been able to help you, even a bit, I am elated.

If you are an adoptive parent please do not be angry with me. Please do not feel that I have undermined your family. There are just as many sensitive, caring adoptees as there are non-adoptees. We are not out to get anyone -- we are just people with a need. Our discontent and unhappiness is not with you, but in the not knowing. I know you were promised, all those years ago, that the records would never be opened.It seemed very simple when you brought that tiny bundle into your homes and into your lives.

But does it really matter now that your child is an adult...an adult who has always been loyal and loving? Do you really think that if she meets her birth mother it will change these feelings towards you? You must have faith that the love which you gave to your child was not for naught. Truth and honesty can only strengthen your relationship. Secrecy and evasion about a topic so basic to the family ric can only give the individual whom you brought into your family with love a sense that there may be something shameful about adoption.

Why was it assumed that we and our birth parents would never need to know each other?
Why was it assumed that we would never ask why we were surrendered?
Why was it assumed that our birth parents would never want to know what happened to their child?

Why? Why? Why?

Why must the past rule the present?

Your neighbour's children who are "natural" (do you hate that word as much as I?) have grown up with knowledge of their beginnings and of their roots. Shouldn't your own child have that same gift?

Why should I, as an adoptee, be denied the recognition that I am a responsible enough adult to cope with whatever knowledge is buried in my past? Surely you who love us, who have always treated us as your own, can accept that we need to know our background and accept that we can deal with it -- whatever it is. Surely you can accept that this knowledge will not change the relationship within the family. Statistics bear this out. We have shared so much, and surely you have enough confidence in your parenting all these years to realize that the love is not that shallow. There is a saying that if you love something enough let it free, it will return to you.By holding your adopted child denying him or her the knowledge of origin you are risking loss very thing trying TO keep. Tell us be open with us. We will not let down.

Are you a birth parent? Are you afraid of the repercussions? Yes, I am biased, of course -- and no, I don't completely understand. But I have seen the joy of my birth mother. Granted, she and my father married, and perhaps you have buried a "mistake", and you too have been assured that the records have never been open. But try to understand that that child, now an adult, to whom you gave life, has a need to know about their family heritage and all that that entails. Times and attitudes have changed. We don't ask to reenter your life, we simply ask to share your knowledge of what directly affect us. Perhaps it's not fair that it has all been raked up again, but you set the process in motion all those years ago. You tried to forget about it, but we have to live with it -- we are "it". Please try to understand our need... the need to know about you. Keep it anonymous, by all means, we won't barge in, but please take the time to at least share your knowledge.

If you are a searching birth parent -- keep at it. You are not alone by any means. In a survey conducted in the United States of 170 reunions, 70 percent were initiated by birth parents searching for their children. This survey asked: "If you could go back in time but knew you couldn't change anything, would you still reunite?" The proportion of searching and non-searching birth parents who said 'yes' was 98 percent(Silverman et al., Reunions between Adoptees & Birth Parents. p 523)

A final encouraging note from the above mentioned book (p.528):
"Contrary to expectation, reunions do not seem to disrupt the lives of the participants. Even birth mothers who did not search and who still would not do so were pleased to be found. At least from the point of view of the birth parents the reunion, even if unsuccessful, seems to enhance their lives."

So, my friends from all corners of the adoption triangle -- all power to you. None of asked for the trials and tribulations which come from being, or from being involved with a searching adoptee. We are not easy people to deal with because we believe so deeply in what we are doing. Please trust us.